Shake It Out
Months of requested solitude has gotten me to this point. The point of almost no return. Feelings of being lost and lonely are haunting me along with every worry I can manage to shove in my suitcase. The worries deep down are pointless and taking my every breath. Yet, that realization doesn't make it any easier to stop soaking in them.
I have given up my Bible, given up my friends in some ways, my family in others. I have tried my hardest to push my boyfriend away, to avoid the pain of fighting, arguing, loving, and letting go. Scared is the main reaction to everything that happens these days. Scared to lose people, to make the wrong decisions, to turn left when I should have turned right. I have let my faith go in most aspects and knowing this hurts more than any of the fighting or letting go ever could. It also causes a more stubborn attitude to the idea of anyone being out there to help me.
I have been in my new home for five nights and I have had anxiety attacks for most of my stay. Crying in bed, in the bathroom, in the shower, in the mornings, and I can't even exactly pinpoint why I'm crying. The only emotion that I can spit out how I feel is scared. My boyfriend has been exactly what a boyfriend should be.. Supportive, caring, and understanding. He is all of these things and I'm still trying to keep my feelings drawn, trying to keep myself from fully sharing with him.
After a long day at work, and a sleepless night I came home to nap. Waking up in the darkness, of course sent me into another attack. I jumped in the shower and tried to wash away all of the worries. I felt slight relief afterwards but not enough. I sat down at my computer and for some odd reason searched Florence and the Machine. Her song 'Shake It Out' was the first to answer my request. The song is now being played on repeat, which is unusual because music never happens when I'm writing. I get distracted by the instruments and melodies.
'Shake It Out' is what's fueling me to write all of this down, to finally pour out the words I've been holding back. I'm sure most people can relate to this song because of it's connection to the common sadness people generally feel. The ghouls and regrets that haunt us, the devil you feel will never leave, the heaven you were looking for but the devil you found.
I have given up my Bible, given up my friends in some ways, my family in others. I have tried my hardest to push my boyfriend away, to avoid the pain of fighting, arguing, loving, and letting go. Scared is the main reaction to everything that happens these days. Scared to lose people, to make the wrong decisions, to turn left when I should have turned right. I have let my faith go in most aspects and knowing this hurts more than any of the fighting or letting go ever could. It also causes a more stubborn attitude to the idea of anyone being out there to help me.
I have been in my new home for five nights and I have had anxiety attacks for most of my stay. Crying in bed, in the bathroom, in the shower, in the mornings, and I can't even exactly pinpoint why I'm crying. The only emotion that I can spit out how I feel is scared. My boyfriend has been exactly what a boyfriend should be.. Supportive, caring, and understanding. He is all of these things and I'm still trying to keep my feelings drawn, trying to keep myself from fully sharing with him.
After a long day at work, and a sleepless night I came home to nap. Waking up in the darkness, of course sent me into another attack. I jumped in the shower and tried to wash away all of the worries. I felt slight relief afterwards but not enough. I sat down at my computer and for some odd reason searched Florence and the Machine. Her song 'Shake It Out' was the first to answer my request. The song is now being played on repeat, which is unusual because music never happens when I'm writing. I get distracted by the instruments and melodies.
I'm ready to suffer. I'm ready to have hope in life and in me. To leave all of my regrets and anxiety behind me. Even as I sit here writing this I am hesitant because my fears and anxiety are what comfort me most. It's comfortable and familiar. It's time to let all of the comfort go and find it in something or someone else. Someone bigger and greater than myself and my fears. I'm shaking everything I know out, and restarting with only the good that I know I have.
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