Regaining

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My grasp seems weak and short.  A God seems far away, beyond reach of my weak and short grasp.  I need help and I'm going to use my blog feed to try to find that help.  I've been a believer once, it shouldn't be hard to be again, right?  Just say right!  Becoming a believer for the first time felt draining, exhausting, and daunting.  This go around it feels all of those adjectives times one hundred.

I have four hours to myself daily and I am so unaware of what to fill it with that I usually set down and think of everything God never helped me with.  That's four hours of loneliness, of blaming God for not saving my parents marriage, for not making me as pretty as the other girls, for not helping me when I cried myself to sleep, and for not allowing me to be happy.  I'm done blaming and not taking responsibility.  Only I can make myself happy, only I can forgive my past experiences, and only I can live my life on the belief that God is with me on my journey to Him.

I've seen His work before, and I know when He's been present.  Or, I used to know.  I want all of that back and more.  I want to want to read my Bible.  I want to want to love God.   I want to want to feel His presence.  I want to fill the four hours by myself Monday through Thursday working toward building a relationship with God.  The rest of the time spent elsewhere I want to recognize Him in everything.  I want to notice the signs He gives me, the music He plays for me, and the roads He sets in front of me.

I can already feel how hard my start will be, which is why I am asking for your help.  I am asking you to suggest what you can and leave words of encouragement.

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