Neatly Scribbled

Saturday is a blessing in disguise.  My first thoughts of Saturdays were filled with anxiety and doubt.  The only day I have to myself to spend doing what I love was daunting.  I spend the weeks saying to myself “Saturday, I will write!  I will go to a quiet, darling park filled with blooms and rustling trees and I will let myself go.”  Saturday nears closer and the anxiety sets in.  “There is always next Saturday.”  Afraid I will not be up to what I want to achieve I give in and let Saturdays win.  Saturdays have no idea that they are in competition with my self esteem and that they are in the lead.   This Saturday is different.  Spent with an old friend, (years known, not age).  A birthday lunch was a treat for us because of our lack of keeping in touch.  Talks over tea and avocado sandwiches followed by antiquing was definitely my kind of Saturday afternoon, or any afternoon for that matter.  We shared stories of what was happening in our lives that the other was missing

I've been doing some hard thinking lately, about myself, my esteem, and my goals.  I got married one month ago yesterday, and while I am so happy to be married to my best friend I am hesitant at being a wife.  I have dreamt of the day that I became a wife for quite some time, mostly thinking I would be this wonderful house cleaner, excellent baker and chef, and the best at every thing else wives do.  I sure had all of this backwards. My self esteem has been low as have my energy levels.  The low self esteem is me telling myself that I can't do all of this.  'This' meaning dishes, dusting, sweeping, laundry, cooking, bathroom duty, and keeping my husband happy all while looking good doing it.  I tell myself and set myself up for failure before I even fill the sink with soapy water.  I convince myself I don't have what it takes to do all of the daily duties that come with being married and having a home, so I back out of them some way.  I feel if I don't d