Self Acceptance

Just recently I donated ten inches of my hair to locks of love and it was a rejuvenating feeling.  The rejuvenating feeling, sadly, lasted until I got home and showed my boyfriend.  He said he loved it but I, of course, was still focused on the fact that ten inches of the only part that was ever complimented, belonging to me, was gone. The tears then began to fall and every couple of days since then the tears come suddenly and unexpactantly. 

Most of you are probably thinking, "It's only hair. It will grow back."  But my hair was so much more to me.  It was a security, a cloak to hide from all of my other insecurities and to also hide them from others.  I must say I did quite the job of hiding this broken inside with my long locks.  When my hair was longer, it was so much easier to fix it and put on a smile to convince myself and others that everything was perfectly fine.  I stayed in hiding under that hair.  After cutting it off, I feel I've lost my mystery.  I feel as if my entire personality, feelings, weaknesses, and insecurities are laid out for the world to see.

This last month or so has been such a breaking point in my life, all caused by a pair of scissors.  I've cried to my boyfriend, over and over again, and thankfully instead of being like most men, he's understanding and concerned.  He offers me advice and tells me how beautiful I am with or without the hair.  My response is the same, "You're my boyfriend; you have to say that."  We had a indepth conversation last night about how I need to learn to accept my flaws, embrace them even.  That is a very daunting task for me to accomplish.  I had accepted that loving myself how I am, no makeup, no highlights, no long hair, just wasn't in the cards for me. 

I've been so unhappy with me that I have let it control everything, my relationships with men, my family, friends, carreer, my writing, especially.  And I always had an excuse to disguise my true feelings, my unhappiness.  I can remember thinking "If I lose ten pounds then I'll work on the rest."  "If I get a pixie cut, then I can concentrate on everything else." It's always If I could only fix this outward appearance I would be happy.  I've lost ten pounds, I've cut all my hair off, no happiness, yet.  This truth scares me.  Will nothing truly fulfill me, truly make me happy? 


I'm going to take my time with this, because I know that is what it will take.  Time.  Meditation.  Love.  Commitment.  I want to, in the end, love myself more than I could have ever imagined possible.  Treat myself the way that I treat others. And to be as comfortable in my own skin, with no add on's, as I am meant to be.  This will require some help, so I will need some tools.

Do you have any insecurities that you are fighting to accept?