Neatly Scribbled

My grasp seems weak and short.  A God seems far away, beyond reach of my weak and short grasp.  I need help and I'm going to use my blog feed to try to find that help.  I've been a believer once, it shouldn't be hard to be again, right?  Just say right!  Becoming a believer for the first time felt draining, exhausting, and daunting.  This go around it feels all of those adjectives times one hundred. I have four hours to myself daily and I am so unaware of what to fill it with that I usually set down and think of everything God never helped me with.  That's four hours of loneliness, of blaming God for not saving my parents marriage, for not making me as pretty as the other girls, for not helping me when I cried myself to sleep, and for not allowing me to be happy.  I'm done blaming and not taking responsibility.  Only I can make myself happy, only I can forgive my past experiences, and only I can live my life on the belief that God is with me on my journey to Him.

Months of requested solitude has gotten me to this point.  The point of almost no return. Feelings of being lost and lonely are haunting me along with every worry I can manage to shove in my suitcase.  The worries deep down are pointless and taking my every breath.  Yet, that realization doesn't make it any easier to stop soaking in them. I have given up my Bible, given up my friends in some ways, my family in others.  I have tried my hardest to push my boyfriend away, to avoid the pain of fighting, arguing, loving, and letting go.  Scared is the main reaction to everything that happens these days.  Scared to lose people, to make the wrong decisions, to turn left when I should have turned right.  I have let my faith go in most aspects and knowing this hurts more than any of the fighting or letting go ever could.  It also causes a more stubborn attitude to the idea of anyone being out there to help me. I have been in my new home for five nights and I have had anxiety attacks for

Just recently I donated ten inches of my hair to locks of love and it was a rejuvenating feeling.  The rejuvenating feeling, sadly, lasted until I got home and showed my boyfriend.  He said he loved it but I, of course, was still focused on the fact that ten inches of the only part that was ever complimented, belonging to me, was gone. The tears then began to fall and every couple of days since then the tears come suddenly and unexpactantly.  Most of you are probably thinking, "It's only hair. It will grow back."  But my hair was so much more to me.  It was a security, a cloak to hide from all of my other insecurities and to also hide them from others.  I must say I did quite the job of hiding this broken inside with my long locks.  When my hair was longer, it was so much easier to fix it and put on a smile to convince myself and others that everything was perfectly fine.  I stayed in hiding under that hair.  After cutting it off, I feel I've lost my mystery.  I fe

Today was spent with family to celebrate a birthday.  The weather was perfect, not too cool, not too hot.  Just right.  There was good food, good conversation, and love shared.  Days like today make me feel on top of the world since I don't see my family on a regular basis.  As the leaves fell outside I started to contemplate the heavens, as I so often do.  But, as of lately my contemplations have been against anything ethereal and more for the opposite, which hasn't happened since I started believing in a greater presence, a God, if you will.  I have sadly stopped reading my Bible, stopped listening when people begin to talk about a religion, and stopped praying that something would change, to make me more open to the idea.  But today, whether it was the company of my family, the weather outside, or the mood of my soul, got me thinking about the world as if someone was controlling it.  That feeling was short, but beautiful, and has opened me to try again.  Which is my m