Heart Stuff
I've been doing some hard thinking lately, about myself, my esteem, and my goals. I got married one month ago yesterday, and while I am so happy to be married to my best friend I am hesitant at being a wife. I have dreamt of the day that I became a wife for quite some time, mostly thinking I would be this wonderful house cleaner, excellent baker and chef, and the best at every thing else wives do. I sure had all of this backwards.
My self esteem has been low as have my energy levels. The low self esteem is me telling myself that I can't do all of this. 'This' meaning dishes, dusting, sweeping, laundry, cooking, bathroom duty, and keeping my husband happy all while looking good doing it. I tell myself and set myself up for failure before I even fill the sink with soapy water. I convince myself I don't have what it takes to do all of the daily duties that come with being married and having a home, so I back out of them some way. I feel if I don't do whatever chore it is, that's better than trying and failing. Example: I'd rather not cook an extensive meal for my husband and I, than to try it and fail miserably, resulting in lower self esteem and depression and more anxiety.
The words that I put into my head and end up believing, I know are not true, I know that my husband doesn't expect the very best.. But I do. I put mountains of expectations on myself to try to be the very best wife and future mother, and I fail all the time because I don't even try. I am so scared and it is ruling my life, my world, my marriage.
Okay, you've heard about myself and about my low self esteem, let's move on to what I plan to do about it. My goals lately have been 1. Whole 30. Which is a 30 day meal plan to almost rejuvenate your body, to get your body regular, and to give you more energy. 2. The second thing along with Whole 30 is planning and cooking out healthier meals for myself and Kyle. I am on day four and I do have more energy and I feel a lot less bloated. That was off topic.. But I am documenting my Whole 30 experience and will blog more about it later. 4. Exercise. Just got back from a walk earlier, actually. Feels great to keep moving. 4. I want to get closer to God. Not only because of my self esteem issues or my marriage, but because I want to learn to serve God. 5. I want to spend more time with my husband doing more than just watching TV. We recently cancelled our Netflix to be able to spend more time together to be more active. While it was heartbreakingly hard to give up Downton Abby and Parenthood, I am blessed to have a husband who cares enough about our marriage to give up Netflix and gaming for awhile, and spend some quality time with his wife.
So my goals are set and my stamina is high. I am ready to tackle the rest of this week with an open mind and an open heart. Are you having heart stuff this week too? Share it!
My self esteem has been low as have my energy levels. The low self esteem is me telling myself that I can't do all of this. 'This' meaning dishes, dusting, sweeping, laundry, cooking, bathroom duty, and keeping my husband happy all while looking good doing it. I tell myself and set myself up for failure before I even fill the sink with soapy water. I convince myself I don't have what it takes to do all of the daily duties that come with being married and having a home, so I back out of them some way. I feel if I don't do whatever chore it is, that's better than trying and failing. Example: I'd rather not cook an extensive meal for my husband and I, than to try it and fail miserably, resulting in lower self esteem and depression and more anxiety.
The words that I put into my head and end up believing, I know are not true, I know that my husband doesn't expect the very best.. But I do. I put mountains of expectations on myself to try to be the very best wife and future mother, and I fail all the time because I don't even try. I am so scared and it is ruling my life, my world, my marriage.
Okay, you've heard about myself and about my low self esteem, let's move on to what I plan to do about it. My goals lately have been 1. Whole 30. Which is a 30 day meal plan to almost rejuvenate your body, to get your body regular, and to give you more energy. 2. The second thing along with Whole 30 is planning and cooking out healthier meals for myself and Kyle. I am on day four and I do have more energy and I feel a lot less bloated. That was off topic.. But I am documenting my Whole 30 experience and will blog more about it later. 4. Exercise. Just got back from a walk earlier, actually. Feels great to keep moving. 4. I want to get closer to God. Not only because of my self esteem issues or my marriage, but because I want to learn to serve God. 5. I want to spend more time with my husband doing more than just watching TV. We recently cancelled our Netflix to be able to spend more time together to be more active. While it was heartbreakingly hard to give up Downton Abby and Parenthood, I am blessed to have a husband who cares enough about our marriage to give up Netflix and gaming for awhile, and spend some quality time with his wife.
So my goals are set and my stamina is high. I am ready to tackle the rest of this week with an open mind and an open heart. Are you having heart stuff this week too? Share it!
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